


A song of shitty timelines

by MrToddWilkins



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Alternate History, Timelines
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-01-05 09:18:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18363086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrToddWilkins/pseuds/MrToddWilkins
Summary: Timelines I post for my own amusement





	1. Roma Eterna

3-21-259

Emperor Valerian evades capture and returns to Rome

8-2-266

Valerian dies in a hunting accident. His son Quirinus becomes emperor 

**The Reigns of the Quirinii**

Quirinus (266-304)

A great warrior and sage

Athanasius (304-327)

Conquered modern day Scotia

Galerius (327-346)

Exterminated the Jewish religion

Claudius II (364-395)

In his time the first working steam engine was made

Quirinus II (395-398)

Abdicated to become a priest of Mithras

Majorian (398-452)

Regarded as a great emperor. His eldest son Horatius died in battle in 429,so the empire passed to

Castorian (452-496)

Under his rule Egypt,Punt,and Somalia were added to the Empire

Justinian (496-533)

Eradicated the last Christians

Assaracus (533-545)

Deposed in a palace coup led by his nephew

Demetrius (545-565)

The ‘Hammer of the Rus’. Added Mossaria (OTL Moscow region) to the Empire

Tiberius II (565-595)

The Suevii were added to the Empire under his reign,as were the Hibernians

Lucius Favonius (595-628)

Oversaw the Enlightenment’s first phase,including the development of the telescope

Carinus (628-669)

Added Parthia,Armenia,Arabia,and Iran to the Empire

Victor (669-695)

An ineffectual Emperor. Preferred writing poetry

Claudius III (695-719)

Added the Volga and Deneperia regions to the Empire

Federicus (719-774)

Under his rule the Lapii and Rurici were added to the Empire,as well as Africa Interioris Mediani. Steam power was introduced in his reign.

Quirinus III (774-825)

Added Baltia,Chersonesia,and Saharia to the Empire. Re-instituted the Olympic Games.

Quirinus IV (825-867)

Expanded the Empire into Africa,reaching the Congo’s mouth by the end of his reign. Defeated King Mansa Seki of Zimbabwe in single combat.

Zacharius (867-894)

Added Suburalia,Karelia,and Kolia to the Empire.

Majorian II (Artorius) (894-957)

Added Turania,Kazakia,India,Ceylon,and Tibet to the Imperium.

Tiberianus (957-1004)

Completed the conquest of Africa for the Imperium. By the end of his reign the Imperium was at a late 19th century technological level. Granted the few remaining Christians and Jews Israel to live in.

Julius Oscolus (1004-1028)

In his reign Atlantis was discovered.

Ambrosius (1028-1073)

The conquests of Sina and Atlantis Superior as far as the Misipi River occurred during his reign. He died securing Edo for the Imperium.

Melissa (1073-1126)

First Empress. Granddaughter of Ambrosius. In her reign occurred the discovery of Australasia. Colonization commenced in 1115.

Quirinus V (1126-1161)

Grandnephew of Melissa. Undertook the first flyer journey by an Emperor in 1134. Popular with native Romans and foreigners alike.

Jason (1161-1218)

By the end of his reign (via abdication) the Imperium in Atlantis reached as far as Montana (OTL Rocky Mountains region). Transuralia,Baicalia,and Siberia were added to the Imperium in his reign. Thus the conquest of the Eurasia-African continent by Rome was completed.

Jason II (1218-1275)

The first superbomb was detonated during his reign,and the conquest of Atlantis Superior was completed with the 1254 invasion of Panama. 

 


	2. Predictions

72,000 - On Uranus there is religious war. The newest Pope,Artemus I,declares kanly against the Sons of Hubbard. In response,the Sons blow up Makemake. Pope Artemus is gravely wounded and his consciousness transferred to a robot body.  
The Sons destroy the spaceship containing the robot body by diverting it into the atmosphere of Pelagia. Thus ends the Papacy,after a run of 74,000 years.  
The Sons on Earth fire Vatican City. All the religious books and art are put to the torch and destroyed. All scientific and secular texts are evacuated to Memory Alpha.  
The grotto of the Popes is set on fire,a fire which reaches deeply into the night sky. This fulfills Century 6,quatrain 97 of the predictions of Nostradamus.

————

80,000 - By now the average lifespan is 1000 years,with 40-90 reserved for work usually. With UBI,the society of humankind is work-optional. The humanity is governed by a High President,with Low Presidents below him.  
A visitor to New York would see an urban sprawl that extends almost to the Hudson headwaters. 293 spaceports exist,offering from full shuttleplane services to transporters.  
All races have been mixed by now into 'Humanitas',the single panracial human type.  
English is the main language of humanity,but in cultural preserve planets are spoken the earlier languages,even including a representation of the Neanderthal tongue.  
In Alaska live the final Neo-Nazis and survivalist types. A King, Ladisulus,governs them. Their  'white' nation enters an axiomatic decline. They survive by hunting,fishing,and running every day. Territory-wise,they govern up to Hudson Bay. Women here serve their men,and minorities are discouraged from entry. They reject all science,believing that the white god Adem created the world. They believe that Earth is the only world and that all others are illusions created by the Devil.

————-

Earth in 200,000 AD:

Thanks to magnetodynamic technology introduced in 2640,there was no further continental drift.   
The population is 600 million:430 million humans,150 million cyborgs,20 million of human-descended races,extraterrestrials,etc. The planetary capital is World National City, formerly Paris.  
For the people,average lifespan is 4000 years (200 being devoted to work),and they all enjoy a high standard of life. A form of socialism is the economic driver.   
The north is quiet,as great auroras illuminate the day and night skies. Few humans live there now. Great beasts like caribou,werebears,direwolves,bearmen,and others wander the lands. The bearmen are a tamed folk,living quiet,agrarian lives. The government takes little notice of them. They are descended of Ladisulus' vanished civilization,its icy towers shining by reflected moonlight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An oath to Ladisulus:
> 
> All Aryans,rise!
> 
> All hail Ladisulus,our King,the viceroy of Adem on Earth.  
> He makes the summer rains fall.  
> He makes the winds blow.  
> He it is who controls the paths of sun and moon.  
> By him we live,in all our lives.  
> He is most true,most holy,infallible.  
> Without him there would not be life,land,sea,or sky.  
> He is immortal and sanctified by Adem.  
> Abidest thou long by us,o King. Forsake not your Children.  
> All hail!


	3. The Chronologies of Salmonius

The Chronologies of Salmonius. The only true account of our history.  
written in 2550 AUC

Year 1 - the making of the world by Zeus. The gods had overthrown Cronus,who was exiled to the ends of time and space. The sea begins to froth and Aphrodite emerges from the sea off the coast of Cyprus. Palace is built on Olympus.  
Zeus and the other gods draw lots for their position in the new regime. Zeus gets to rule the heavens, Poseidon the sea and Hades the underworld. The land and space are common to all of the gods.  
Year 2 - the birth of Hermes,Apollo,Ares,Hephaestus,and Athena. Atlas takes up his burden.

Year 3 - in this year was the Deluge.

Year 4 - Deucalion became Rex Regum. At Aton he set up his capital.

Year 5 - Minos I was born.

Year 6 - Hermes stole the Cattle of Apollo.


	4. The timeline of Agamemnon

CHRONOLOGY/TIMELINE The Beginning

The Birth of the World.

1788 BC Chaos gives birth of Gaïa (Mother Earth)

1770 Gaïa gives birth to Uranus (the Sky)

1750 Uranus rapes Gaïa (the Earth)

The Cyclopes and the Titans are born from Gaïa.

1720 The Titans fight Uranus and eventually he is defeated by Cronos. Cronos cuts of Uranus' genitals with a sickle and throws them towards Kythara. The sea begins to froth and Aphrodite emerges from the sea off the coast of Cyprus.

The Reign of the Titans.

1715-1675 BC Cronos becomes ruler of Olympus. Golden Age of Mankind

Cronos imprisons the Cyclopes in Tartarus. This is located in the underworld.

He then organises the Titans. Each Titan is given his dominion. Palace is built at Olympus.

1700 BC Cronos hears a prophecy from Gaïa (Earth).

Cronos is warned not to take Rhea as his wife or have children with her, otherwise one of his children will dethrone him.

Cronos takes Rhea as his wife, who gives birth to Hera, Demeter, Hestia, Hades, Poseidon, and Zeus.

Cronos swallows his children in order to avoid the prophesy.

A stone is substituted by Rhea in place of Zeus.

Zeus is taken by mother into hiding on Earth.

The Rise of the Gods

1700-1675 BC Zeus grows up and is visited secretly by his mother.

When grown he makes plans together with Rhea and Gia to free his brothers and sisters.

Zeus goes to Olympus in disguise and sits at dinner with the Titans and his father who thinking Zeus had been swallowed does not recognise him.

Zeus makes Cronos drunk, who then vomits out the gods he swallowed. The stone is also vomited. Cronos sees the stone and recognises Zeus.

Zeus and his brothers fight Cronos to make their getaway. They then release the Giants and the Cyclopes from imprisonment in Tartarus, who become their allies.

1675 Zeus attacks the Titans.

Some Titans side with Zeus, i.e. Prometheus, Epimetheus.

Atlas is commander of the Titans loyal to Cronos.

1670 Victory for Zeus.

Cronos is exiled to Elysia.

Atlas is punished by being made to carry the heavens on his shoulders.

Zeus and the other gods draw lots for their position in the new regime. Zeus gets to rule the heavens, Poseidon the sea and Hades the underworld. The land is common to all of the gods.

The Affairs of the Gods.

1675-1628 The Silver or second of the Five ages of mankind begins.

1675 Zeus takes his sister Hera as wife

1675-1665 Births of Hephaestus, Ares, Eris, Hephaestus, Hebe.

1670 Zeus has various affairs with the other gods and Titans. (see family trees.)

1667 Zeus has affair Io the daughter of Inarchus the son of Oceanus and carry’s her of the Egypt.

1655 Births of Apollo, Hermes, Athene by different mothers.

1660 Phoroneus the first man rules Argolis

Prometheus gives man the secret of fire.

Prometheus is punished.

The gods create Pandora. Epimetheus is given Pandora to be his wife.

Pandora is given a bottle as a wedding present and told not to open it.

Pandora opens it and mankind suffers the consequences.

1628 The battle of the Gods and Giants. Typhon is defeated and imprisoned under a volcano.

1628-1460 BC The Brazen, or third of the five ages of mankind

1628 Zeus seduces Niobe the daughter of Phoroneus (first of Zeus affairs with mortal women)

1560 Apollo kills Argus/Triopus

1500-1460 Lycaon provokes the Gods anger

Birth of Pan

The Heroic Age

1460-1103 BC The Heroic second brazen, or fourth of the five ages of mankind

1460 Danus and Aegyptus begin feuding

1453 A Flood is sent by Zeus to destroy the sinners of mankind. Deucalion and his family who escaped in an Ark which Zeus tells him to build survive.

1453 Cadmus colonises Bootia and founds Thebes

1413 Erichthonius rules at Athens

1413 Erichthonius rules at Troy

1405 Zeus violates Europa, birth of Minos

1405 Dionysus the son of Zeus and Semele daughter of Cadmus is born

1380 Minos becomes king of Crete

1365 Perseus son of Danae by Zeus is born

1345 Pegasus the winged horse born from Medusas blood

1342-1332 The Sons of Perseus and Andromeda are born

1336 Bellerophon

1315-1282 Pelops flees Asia Minor

1293 Alcius the son of Perseus kills the king of Egypt and his son

February 10 1286 Herakles is conceived during a total solar eclipse. Zeus extends one night into three

October 31 1286 Herakles is born

1286-1264 Sthenelus takes throne of Mycenae after Amphytrion kills Electryon son of Perseus

1280 Minos grandson Minos becomes king of Crete

1280 Phrixus is taken to Colchis by a Golden Lamb

1264-1246 The tragedy of Oedipus

1264-1252 The Labours of Herakles take place while Eurestheus is High King of Mycenae

1253 or 1245 The Caledonian Boar hunt

1252-1249 or 1244-1240 Games to choose crew of Argo. The voyage of Jason and the Argonauts

1252-1248 Herakles is sold as a slave to Emëria

1248 The story of Orpheus and Eurydice

1248-1244 Herakles settles old scores in the Peloponnese

1248 The birth of Achilles

1246 Theseus kills the Minotaur

1244 Herakles marries Deianara

1230 The birth of Paris

1226 The births Castor, Polyduces, Clytemnestra & Helen (Last of Zeus's affairs with mortals)

1223-1103 BC The Hellenic Wars

1223 Atreus takes the throne of Mycenae for the second time

1223 The birth of Agamemnon

1223 Laius becomes father of Odysseus. Heracles dies and becomes a god

1222 The 7 against Thebes

1220 The Epigoni attack Thebes

1210 The death of Theseus

1205 The Beauty contest

1193-1183 The siege of Troy

1184 The attempted sacrifice of Iphigenia

1183 The capture of Troy

1183-1182 The return and murder of Agamemnon

1183-1173 The Odyssey

1173-1123 The vengeance of Orestes and return of Iphigenia

1103 The Heraklids defeat Tsiamneus the son of Orestes and take Mycenae

1103 The last of the five ages of mankind the Iron age

(From here on out it's all just alternate history)

1085 Pausanias Phellen becomes King of Athens

1050 The Sea-folk invade Palestine

1044 The Jewish religion is eliminated

1020 Erynos is king in Athens. Invasion of Macedonia.

1006 Pausanias II Linthidon is king in Athens

970 The Centaurs reassert themselves

950 Union of the Helleniátis

890 The conquest of Italy

850 Death of Polypemon

820 Invasion of the Trans-Ganges region

735 King Iphardias is assassinated. Formation of the Hellenic Republic

681 Conquest of the Dnepr Valley

645 Simonides invents the telescope

625 The gods withdraw from the universe

570 President Boreas Morcaialos. Siege of Vientiane.

550 The first aircraft is flown by Tymon Coßnann

520 Conquest of the Cape of Green Seas

510 The videotape recorder is invented by Amardion of Crete

500 By this time mechanical carts (invented by Harpokleios in 538) have succeeded horses as the primary means of personal transportation

480 Conquest of Cathay.

472 An expedition led by Boreas Abulasteron discovers Cuba

450 Amenides of Ophir frees Prometheus

440 Voulon Korkonetes elected. Death of Prometheus.

410 The Prometheus 6 scramjet piloted by Abran Leuciat achieves orbit. The satellite M-2 is left in orbit

401 President Tyferes Ammachi signs the KRPOmA consortium a blank check to develop space industry and manned lunar landing capability

399 Socratius invents social media

382 Space Station Olympus Kd.II is orbited.

368 Persian stellonaut Declan Savune commands the Forsetas 3A lunar capsule. Piloting the Prometheus 55 capsule to a similar goal is Marla Philimenor, the 6th woman stellonaut. Forsetas 3A lands on the Moon on October 14,but Savune is unable to exit his spacecraft. Philimenor uses the first moonwalk as an opportunity to rescue her fellow stellonaut. They return to Earth on October 22 and get a world tour.

361 Civil war in Britannia. Admiral Konstantaurides lands in Cardiff with 8,000 hoplites. Britannia is secured within a month.

360 Theon Mireltys is elected President on a platform of good government,but dies of a heart attack before his inauguration. Marla Philimenor serves his term and then three of her own (to 341).

352 Conquest of Hierozil (OTL Virginia)

330 The Ares Sample Return project is accomplished

323 Launch of Aeneas 8, the first permanent deep space habitat

316 Birth of Maomet of Eastern Israel

302 Explorer 11 carries the first landing team to the planet Ares

300 Establishment of New Ilium, the first permanent lunar city

296 Maomet experiences a vision of the One True God

285-283 Maomet gathers 48 like-minded individuals to himself. They preach in Jerusalem. The Gray Council (of priests) has Maomet arrested and executed on charges of religious dissension. President Cleon Berinides orders their arrest. They flee into the Negev Desert,where they are discovered and routed out by controlled megabomb explosions.

280 Establishment of New Ithaca (OTL New York City)

265 First manned landing on Aporadite (Venus)

236 Establishment of the Space Patrol


	5. A pseudo-historical paper

The fruit of the tree and the fruit of the Lamb: a scholarly paper by Lucius Ahenobarbus of Perga, 21 March, 2568 AUC

Jesus, Lord, who reigns forever, and is opposed to the devil, we say unto you in your power, Abba, save us!

1\. The sin of Adam  
2\. The Noachic flood  
3\. The increase of the sons of Noah  
4\. Babylon  
5\. The Tower of Babel  
6\. The Kings of Bactria  
7\. Israel - a historical overview  
8\. The Mycenaean line  
9\. The 12 mage kings and their myths  
10\. The angel's prophecy  
11\. The Bactrians settle in Eden


End file.
